Of course, by now, everyone's heard of Janina San Miguel and that infamous Question and Answer portion.  And I bet everyone's still on the throes of being flabbergasted at the fact that, after ALL THAT, she actually won.

I did not, however, expect the server at our favorite Chinese buffet restaurant to come up to us at lunch today and say:

You're Filipinas, right?

Yes, we are.  Are you Filipino as well?

No, I'm Indonesian.

Oh, you look like you could be Filipino.

Yeah, I've been told that.  But I know a few Tagalog words like maganda, salamat....

And then he drops the bomb:

Hey, your candidate to the Miss Universe is very famous.  Did you see her on YouTube?

Me:  Erhm, she's actually going to compete for the Miss World title...  but yes, we've seen her and heard her on YouTube.

Wow, the way she answered....

Me:  How did you know about her?

Her YouTube video is on our Indonesian forum.  Oh, but don't worry, we also had a similar candidate who didn't know how to speak English.

AHERM. 

What does one say to that?

Actually, it's not so much the fact that Ms. San Miguel doesn't know her English well.  It's the way she lost her poise under pressure, the nervous giggling, and how she offered such flimsy reasons as it being her first pageant (which reportedly is not) and that she is only 17 years old so cut her some slack, will ya? 

She could always bring an interpreter to the Miss World pageant (there is a first time for everything), but my question really is, "Does she have something between those beautiful ears?"

She went up to that stage fully knowing that she will be judged for everything that she's got.  She should have come prepared.  Again, not with her English skills, but with her wit and intelligence about her. 

Whenever we ask for these stamps at our local post office, we always get a word of thanks from the person at the counter. 

"I really appreciate you buying these stamps.  My grandmother and my aunt died from breast cancer."

"My mom died of breast cancer.  The progression was very quick.  She died three months after she was diagnosed.  So thank you so much for buying these stamps.  Hopefully, they will find a cure for it soon."

It's always the same story:  a mother, a sister, a grandmother, an aunt dying of breast cancer. 

I have a lot of friends who've had cysts which, thankfully, turned out to be benign.  But I have an aunt (actually, the wife of my dad's brother) who just woke up one day at dawn, found a lump on her breast, and days later, was diagnosed with cancer.  She had a mastectomy a few weeks after her diagnosis.  She is now cancer free.

Although cancer does not run in my family, the threat of it is very real.  October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Let's start with ourselves by doing regular breast self-exams. 

Today, August 31, marks the 10th year death anniversary of Diana, the people's princess and one of the most famous women in the world.  She was 36 when she died in 1997.  Back then I was 24, and 36 seemed old to me.  But now it shocks me at how young she was, at how she could have touched more lives for 50 more years. 

I remember watching the news about her fatal car crash and her subsequent death four hours later, and how it all seemed unreal.   I cried several times that day, in  solidarity with millions of people who loved her. 

Last night, several tv channels showed special programs about Princess Diana -- about her life, snippets of interviews with her, home movies of her as a young girl, and of course, the conspiracy theories surrounding her death.  One program raised questions and presented witnesses not before known or revealed by the French police, which caused me to jump from my seat and silently cry for justice.  The next program presented the other side of the coin, and sought to answer each and every question that has been raised by those who believe that Princess Diana was murdered.

And now, I don't know what to believe anymore.

I guess it is not for me to speculate.  The truth will come out.  Or maybe it already has, if we are to accept her death as a tragic accident and nothing else.  The important thing is to remember her -- her beauty, her philanthropic work, and her courageous move to extricate herself from a life of unhappiness with the royal family and live her life on her own terms, however short it was.

Two AM found the husband and I on our front stoop, gazing up at the sky, waiting for the peak of the Perseids meteor shower.   We had been out at 9pm, 12am and 1am, waiting for something spectacular to happen. 

Meteors, also called falling or shooting stars, occur when the Earth passes through debris fields left by passing comets. What we are witnessing when we see a shooting-star is a small piece of interplanetary matter, called a meteor, entering the Earth's atmosphere and `burning up' at a height of about 100 km.  (from www.totalescape.com)

We saw a total of 10 "shooting stars" in the course of 5 hours.  Some were small, some big, some fast, and some uncharacteristically slow.  Although I would have wanted a "shower" in the real sense of the word --  uninterrupted and numerous meteors/stars falling across the night sky -- it was enough that I saw more than a couple.  It had been a long time since I saw even one shooting star. 

Plus, the sky was clear, the stars were bright, and there was a gentle breeze all around us as we kept our vigil.

The next meteor shower is the Orionids on October 21.  I imagine that will be a much colder night.  And so, cups of hot cocoa might be in order.

KRISPY KREME CLOSED ITS DOORS FOREVER in the Sacramento region at 9pm tonight.   The hubby and I got the shock of our lives when we saw this on the news.  If it wasn't already 8:30pm, we'd have driven out to buy a boxful of these sugary delights.  As it was, we learned about it too late in the day.

There were numerous reasons cited:  the company's restructuring, accounting scandals, and the fact that people in California are now more health conscious than ever. 

People's eating habits have truly changed through the years.  When Krispy Kreme first opened seven years ago, people got in line for hours and hours just to get one doughnut.  And office meetings were never complete without a box of their glazed, sprinkled, or chocolate doughnuts.  However, with the recent campaign against obesity and unhealthy eating, more and more people are avoiding food with high sugar and calorie content.

Not only will I miss the heady smell of freshly baked Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I will never get to buy them (not so fresh) at grocery stores and gas stations.   I will have to console myself that if I really get the craving for their sinfully sweet goodness, we can always drive 80 miles to the nearest Krispy Kreme outlet.

I call her either Mitch or Cielo.  And it seems almost unfair that I have not written about her here, or that it took me this long to finally do.   After all, she's only been my friend for like 17 years (although there were in-between years when we lost touch) and she was the one who made my last hours in Manila bearable -- no, sweet -- even with impending goodbyes and the dread of flying alone to San Francisco. 

She picked me up at 12noon from NAIA on that Monday I was set to leave the Philippines.  We had lunch, we had coffee, we karaoke'd -- me failing miserably, and she gliding effortlessly, through the high notes.  We even managed to go last-minute shopping before her wonderful husband drove us (me) to the airport.  And all through everything, we had layers upon layers of conversation, perhaps to make up for all those in-between years and to sustain us until the next time we see each other again. 

She still speaks in the same soft voice, and she still sings like an angel.  The beautiful face remains unchanged.  Oh but then again, she is different.  She speaks now like a woman who has seen through the kind of heartbreak only few us ever get to experience in this lifetime and has found the wisdom behind it.  She speaks from the viewpoint of a woman who has been through the trials and tribulations and equally, the happiness, of a 12-year marriage.  She speaks with intention, her sentences well paced, as she talks about how she stood up for herself in the workplace and how she gained respect by doing so.  She speaks with the quiet confidence of someone who has found her strength in God. 

She has changed so much from the girl I knew in high school to the woman that she has now become.  She is strong; she stands her ground.  She knows when to hold on to friendships and when to let go, but always keeping the best of memories even when she chooses the latter. 

She just turned 33 a few days ago.  In her own words, she sums up her life thus far:  I have journeyed not for long but quite enough to have turned this bruised little girl into a woman.  I may not have the perfect face, the perfect smile, the perfect body and the perfect voice but I have the heart that wants nothing but the best in the eyes of God. 

I'm glad I have the right not only to call her my friend, but my sister as well.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MITCH!

On the drive back from a spur-of-the-moment 5-hour trip to Hearst Castle, the husband and I rode with friends B and J, with their kids T and G in tow. 

T says, "Tita Jopie, I can read thoughts."

"Really?"

"Yes, I can read G's [her baby sis] mind right now.  She's gonna say, 'Agay, agay!'"

And true enough, G screams in feigned pain. 

"Can you read my mind then?"

"Tita, I only use my powers for good."

It was either a cop-out, or she did, indeed, sense the onslaught of wicked thoughts.

Clever little girl.

There's pork simmering in barbecue sauce in the slow cooker, one of the hubby's favorite dishes, and I need no further reminder that I am, indeed, here.

It had not come easy, returning to a household of two, waking up to silent mornings and navigating through lonely nights.  For two weeks, there were four-way conversations around the breakfast table; lunch, dinner, or coffee appointments with friends; catching up with family and relatives; two weddings; getting to know the husband's side of the family; and a short and precious visit to my only sister in my home city of Tagbilaran, Bohol.

There were meals on demand, meals in favorite restaurants, food that beguiled and satisfied the inner hungers of the soul, delicacies once abundant and ignored and now sorely missed, desserts that danced in the tongue, and always, love in attendance in a table of two or four or six or twenty. 

When I arrived in Cebu on that humid Thursday morning, I moved with the grace of one who believed she had time.  And on the last days of my stay, I was a wreck, trying to fill all the holes of time in a day.   Sadly, there were never quite enough seconds, or minutes, or hours, to see everyone I needed to see and to do everything that was on my to-do list.

I left on a Monday, brokenhearted.

Up until the last moment, before the pilot announced that cellphones have to be turned off, I was calling my family, telling them I missed them and I loved them.  On an aisle seat, on the plane from Manila to San Francisco, I felt absolutely alone.  The husband was on a different flight and would arrive in San Francisco four hours early.  I would have let a few tears escape were it not for my fear that I would not be able to stop crying throughout the 12-hour flight if I allowed myself that indulgence.   So I told myself it will be all right, I will be all right.

As soon as I step off the plane and into the cool San Francisco evening, I get a text message from a friend:  Finnedtraveler is dead.

My insides shook.  How?  When?  Why?  Questions whose answers would not come easy, or soon enough.

For almost two weeks, I grieved:  the parting with family and friends, and the loss of someone I admired so much, and loved on my own terms.

These days, the pain is not as acute.   But there are times, when I close my eyes, I see them, or I see her, in my mind's eye, and my heart cries all over again.

But as with most pains in our life, we have to learn to let go, in order to survive.

I tell myself I am home, after all, even though I am 7,000 miles away from the summer heat of my childhood.

  

Today is the husband and I's third wedding anniversary. Two years as "uyab" + three years as a married couple = five great years together.

He wrote this on his Friendster blog today:

It has been three years since I promised myself to you. And not once in those three years have I regretted that day. Each day, I see an opportunity to grow closer to you, to bond with you even more. I consider ourselves "newlyweds" and so our honeymoon stage still goes on. Each day is a surprise waiting to happen. Five years ago, I was the luckiest guy in the world when we started going out. Three years ago, I was the happiest groom in the world. Today, I still am the happiest and the luckiest guy in the world. I can't wait for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after...you are my life. I love you baby.

It's the greatest anniversary gift he could ever give me.

People all over the world are talking about The Secret.

Or so Oprah says.

The Secret is a book and DVD by Rhonda Byrne. And the secret is simple, it is no secret at all. It is something that we've known at some point or another in our lives. The secret is the Law of Attraction. What you give out to the world is what you get back. The truths you hold to yourself are what will manifest in your life. It is about the power of thought and visualization. It is about focusing on the good things, on what you want rather than on what you don't want. It is about believing that you can have the best life that you can ever want or imagine.

I do not understand all of it yet. I was thinking of buying the book and DVD, but being the impatient person that I am, I looked it up in YouTube and true enough, a kind soul has already posted it there. I viewed all four parts while nibbling on my breakfast panini sandwich, and already I feel like something in me is shifting. If not for anything else, if the skeptic in me finds it hard to believe that I can channel my thoughts into becoming a millionaire, having a vacation home by the ocean, driving a Murcielago, and owning a publishing house and actually have it happen, at least I will come away from watching this knowing that I have the power to control my feelings, my life on a day-to-day basis. That I can decide each and every morning upon waking up to be happy. That I can say "It is a good day" and it will be. That everyday, I can find something to be grateful about. That already, I am living the life I want because I am happy.

In the final analysis, what we all really want is to be happy. I remember Meryl Streep's character in One True Thing where she told her daughter, "It is so much easier to choose to be happy."

So I have decided to choose to be happy and grateful everyday, no matter what circumstance I find myself in. (But having the millions, the house with the ocean view, the car, and the business of churning out books is not bad either, hehe.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The videos in YouTube have all been deleted due to violation of use. I guess I will have to buy my own copy now. Hehe.

Why is it that everytime a birthday dawns upon us, we never fail -- no matter what age -- to say, "Ugh, I'm old!"

At 18, I felt old. At 23, I felt older. At 29, I practically felt ancient! This time around, when I turn 34, I will not feel old. Sure, I don't have the 24-inch waistline of my 20's, nor do I have the kind of complexion (anymore) that doesn't rebel against me each time I fail to wash it at night. Certainly, there are a couple of white hairs in my head, a few wrinkles here and there, and memory lapses that tell me my brain is not as sharp as it used to be.

Still, I refuse to say I am old. Even when I turn 40, I will still say I am young. When I turn 50, I will say it is the new 40, and 60 shall become the new 50.

For as long as I can walk, jog, jump, skip and hop, I will remain young. For as long as I can wear jeans and 3-inch heels, I will not fret about my age. For as long as I can dance like nobody's business, sing like I'm a diva, drive like a daredevil, and laugh like a hyena, my heart will forever feel young.

You see, at 33, I have yet to live the best years of my life.

It's sad how far people will go to win something. A woman joined a radio station contest to win a Nintendo Wii video game system for her kids. The object of the contest was to see how much water one could drink without going to the bathroom. She later died of water intoxication.

The appalling thing is, everyone -- the DJs and the contestants -- knew what could happen. A nurse called in to tell the DJs that people could die from drinking too much water. The DJs said, "Yes, we are aware of that." They said that's why they let the contestants sign waivers so they won't be held responsible. And all this they said while laughing and joking about the whole thing.

The family is now suing the radio station for wrongful death.

Tragic. Now three children are without a mother. Such a waste of life, all for a video game system. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

she calls it the "brand new year syndrome," this inexplicable feeling that has me folding into myself, withdrawing from friends. i've left emails and personal messages unanswered, phone calls unreturned.

at this point i'm starting to nag, but i don't want to nag. it's just i miss talking to you, her voice message on my cellphone said.

i really need to snap out of it. i do. and maybe i am starting to. i returned her call. and we've since caught up on what's been happening (and not happening) in our lives.

meanwhile, i've been honing my driving skills on the freeway (the husband says it's time i start driving beyond the 10-mile radius of our home), rereading the virgin suicides by jeffrey eugenides (after watching the film, which was terrific by the way) and looking forward to helping the cousin with some of the details of her wedding (suggestions for wedding songs, anyone?).

and yes, i will answer those emails and messages. i promise. *insert big smile here*

the blog that started it all:

october 11, 2004
11:43 PM

i've been branded a snob (i think aloof would be a more fitting description) all my life. i used to mind and fuss. but now i find that i don't have to defend myself. i think of myself more as lazy in terms of making new friends. but i am steadfastly loyal to old ones. i have about ten (19, i counted) friends very close to my heart. and they are worth far more than a hundred acquaintances.

so, ice queen or not... i am here in my own little nook in this world... loving, living... sometimes escaping reality... and sometimes rushing headlong into the arms of life.

i joined multiply because i wanted to read the entries of a friend/colleague back then. she said it wouldn't work if i don't sign up for an account, so she invited me to be her contact. little did i know that multiply would open a whole new world for me. i've had other blog sites before but this is where i've stayed the longest, and shared the most.

these days, i write rarely. and often in secret (post to explorer page box unchecked). maybe it's just a phase. maybe not. whatever it is, i know i will continue blogging. when everything else falls away, i still have my words, my thoughts, my life.

so here's to 2 years of blogging!

1. How often do you blog?

whenever i feel like i have something to say

2. Online Alias:

erhm... the ice queen?

3. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

not really... i believe i have to get to know a person first -- where he or she is coming from -- before i am able to stand up for/defend him or her... but i do give people the benefit of the doubt.

4. What do you do most when you are bored?

browse CDs and listen to short clips of songs on amazon.com, drive to the nearest Target store and look at everything!, make a grocery list, sing

5. When bathing, which do you wash first?

my face

6. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

no, never

7. What color looks best on you?

white, i think

8. What's your favorite alcoholic drink?

used to be kurant 7

9. Do you believe in heaven and hell as a real place that each of us will go to after death?

yes

10. Do you find that you have more online friends than offline friends?

Definitely more offline friends

11. What was your favorite subject in school?

English

12. Are you a perfectionist?

i can't say that i am. a little meticulous, maybe.

13. Do you spend more than you can afford?

used to... and i've learned my lesson well. hahaha!

14. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before?

MOST DEFINITELY! the pain is all worth it.

15. Do you consider yourself creative?

all the time... it's my hands that won't cooperate.

16. Do you give yourself the credit you deserve?

yes. i just love myself too much! hahaha!

17. Do you donate time or money to charities?

money in the form of clothes? does that count?

18. Have you recently done something yourself that you've criticized others for doing?

yes. and now i am standing back and letting it all flow away: the bad thoughts, the stinging words.

19. What's on your mind right now?

a. that i don't have to cook for two days because we just came from my cousin's housewarming party and as is filipino tradition, she sent us off with lots of food

b. we're almost out of toothpaste

c. i'll wash the dishes in the morning

20. Say one nice thing about the person who tagged you and the five people that you are tagging:

Fil -- the most patient and cheerful person i know (i still don't know how you do it, Fillie)

I am tagging KAITHY, MALOU, RAENY BERRY, KARLA, and ELENA

it is october. i am smiling because it is october.

october is the MIL's and my dad's birthday month. she, october 4th; he, october 14th. same year, 1944.

october marks my second year of blogging in multiply. has it been that long? (or short?)

october is when the hub's medical benefits kick in. we made phone calls today and scheduled appointments for our eye exams and to meet with our primary care phyisician. the latter makes me hopeful that we can finally start planning for a baby. i am crossing my fingers. i can't wait to start the parade of OB-GYN exams and everything that comes with preparing for a baby.

and if nothing happens still, then we know it's the Man Up There that wills it. and then we can start to accept it and move on.

october is when the air gets seriously nippy. i can't go out of the house anymore without wearing my jacket and my flats or kicks. no more flip-flops for me. my feet are the first things to freeze up in this beautiful fall weather. and yet, it is a comfortable kind of cold. i can still sleep comfortably, not waking up in the middle of the night to find my feet or my hands ice cold. i can still walk outdoors, not finding the urge to run to or from the car.

october fills me with much excitement. it will be the culmination of months of waiting and dreading and hoping and finally, having. *fingers crossed*

i can't wait for october to unfold, day by day... all 31 days.

what must it be like, to live life in constant poetry?

.

tonight, driving home from the grocery store and listening to rachael yamagata's paper doll, i felt a deep sense of peace. it was that perfect time when twilight meets evening, when the skies are starting to turn grey, flecks of orange and yellow dotting the horizon.

it was a short drive, 5 minutes... 10 minutes at most. i heard the rough and tumble of the jugs of water and orange juice in the trunk of the car. i imagined the cereal box being crushed, the bananas turning black and blue, the loaf of bread flattened to a sorry mess. of course none of that happened. what happened was i arrived home, unloaded the grocery bags, put the items in their proper places, and then proceeded to cook dinner: buffalo chicken wings and short ribs barbeque.

but on that drive, on that beautiful serene drive, all i wanted to do was to not stop. to continue driving to nowhere, or everywhere. to drive until i found a body of water, or a well-lit park, or the edge of a cliff. to drive until a million stars appeared in the beautiful night sky. to drive to a place where i can sit in the wonder of it all: this magnificent universe unfolding as it should (to borrow the words in desiderata), whether i move or not, whether i participate in it or not.

and then i will say to no one in particular (not even to myself), yes the world goes on. and so must i.

and that would be my cue. i will drive home, carrying with me a moment so precious in its fragility.

.

where would it have taken me, had i the courage?

at the outlet mall last friday, we dropped in on a frames shop to take a look at their paintings. we found a beautiful abstract painting that had all the colors we wanted: browns, greens and oranges.

"abstracts are back. there's a new interest in abstracts now," the art consultant said.

i never thought abstracts really left, but what do i know?

we told him that we were interested in the painting but that the frame left too much to be desired. he said they can definitely change the frame, but we may have to pay a few dollars more depending on the kind of frame we choose. we tried out a few but after a while, we told him that we were not in a real hurry. there are a few things that need to come together before we make the purchase. he said he totally understood and that when the time comes, we can actually bring the painting home, try if it fits and if it doesn't, we can always return it.

i always experience great service most places i go, but i am never immune to it. i hope i will never be. i always get that sense of wonder, that awe, each time i see it firsthand: salespersons asking me if i am finding everything all right and not to hesitate to approach them if i needed help with anything, or salespeople who can give very specific and helpful information about the products they are selling. men and women who never push, who are never in your face, who are always ready and willing to explain things even if you have no plans of buying anything right that very moment.

and so it was with ray, who was trying out an array of frames for us to see, asking us if we lived nearby, thanking us for dropping by. when i gave him my name just as we were leaving, he smiled a huge smile. "you are the third josephine i've met recently. it's great to see that the name josephine is coming back."

i never thought josephines ever really left, but what do i know, really?

MEREDITH: You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!

DEREK: You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything to not be looking at you!

of course it's just a TV show. and of course, some scenes and situations are propesterous, even downright ridiculous. but i love it that the interns get away with things. i love it that they get some down time, when in real life, interns don't get any down time. they don't have the luxury of forming a clique, of falling in love with their patients, or falling in love with their residents. real hospitals don't hold proms, and real doctors don't mess with patients just to get heart transplants.

but i don't want reality. i want absurdity and fantasy and everything in between. i want love and laughter and life! albeit life that's actually larger than life.

for an hour, just an hour, let me lose myself in the mess and drama that is grey's anatomy.

my friend onie is in japan and is writing (almost) daily about her (mis)adventures. i never know what to expect each time i open a new blog. but i'm always sure to be entertained. or at least, imagine myself being in her shoes.

only, i could never be as brave as her -- going it alone, leaving all the comforts of home to live in a hotel as she starts her new job and her new life, taking walks in comfortable or not-so-comfortable shoes, buying a bike and an umbrella for the first time, navigating her way through a 24-hour convenience store and leaving with just a pack of noodles, and buying a 250-yen coffee which is nowhere near her favorite starbucks venti mocha frap caffeine fix.

the truth is, she has always been brave. and she's always wanted to spread her wings and fly. she flew away from the nest for a short while, leaving for manila and learning to live among manileños with her awkward tagalog. i remember i went to manila on a work-related trip and she would willingly drive hours to my hotel just to see me. and we would have driven hours more to tagaytay if not for an ex-boyfriend of mine (who also happened to be her older brother's barkada) stopping us, reminding us that: 1.) it was already midnight and 2.) it was too dangerous for two women to be driving that far with no tints to the car windows. easy target, he said. an advice we were wise enough to heed.

otherwise, we're always up for a long drive, to wherever. riding shotgun with her is always a great experience. echoing what her brother said, i too trust her with my life. whether there be a road or not before us.

that's just the kind of friend she is. that's how brave she is, that she should take the driver's seat and take you places, knowing full well you will be the better for it.